Movie Griping #5: Serenity (2005)

There are two main themes in this movie.

The first is that we all need something to believe in.  I accept that premise.  Speaking for myself, I believe that it I am obligated to use whatever talents I might have to improve the well-being of those around me.  At the climax of the movie, Malcolm asserts that he believes in spreading the information about the reavers.  This is supposed to represent the culmination of his character’s journey; at the beginning he cuts an innocent lose to be eaten by the reavers, then he decides not to abandon River, then he is willing to sacrifice himself to broadcast the information.  That looks like an actual character arc.  The only problem is that it’s not clear to me why he makes those changes.  People nag him periodically that he needs to care about other people, but nothing happens that seems like it would change his mind.  His mind just changes.

The second theme is that the rough parts and the misbehaving that’s in life is essential to life.  I have a problem with this.  Fans of the original Star Trek series might recall the episode “The Enemy Within” in which Captain Kirk is in a transporter accident that splits him into two people: one who has all of his virtues, the other who has all of his vices.  The characters come to realize that it is the process of Kirk’s virtuous self taming his base self that allows him to realize his full potential.

“Serenity” acknowledges no such nuance.  The movie takes the attitude that behaving badly is virtuous in and of itself.  I don’t want to preach, and I don’t even want to pretend that I try to be virtuous all the time.  But I’m objective.  And when I get drunk and flirt with all four bridesmaids at a wedding, I don’t pretend that there’s anything noble about that. 

I’m a pretty harsh judge of people and situations (and movies…har har har).  As long as I channel that tendency through my empathy for others that potentially negative trait can be used productively and virtuously.  But if I just shrug and say that it’s good to be bad sometimes I end up just tearing people down (I’ve done it, and regretted it).

But all of that’s pretty abstract and heady.  Let’s get down to brass tacks: River cannot possible be that effective of a fighter.

Professional mixed martial arts has a new weight class every 10-15 pounds.  That’s because if you outweigh your opponent by more than that it’s not a fair fight.  Hell, if you’ve ever known someone who wrestled in high school you know that if they’re even two pounds too light they worry that they’ll be overpowered.

This emphasis on weight exists because you overpower your opponent by effectively applying violent force against them.  As we all remember from high school physics: force equals mass times acceleration.  Yep, mass.

Summer Glau (and thus, River Tam) weighs about 50 kg.  Jane is going to be closer to 100 kg.  For her to strike him with the same force that he can strike her she needs to get her arm accelerating twice as fast as his.  But how do we accelerate parts of our bodies?  With muscles.  And muscles have mass.  Since River has little mass, it means she has little muscle.  Which means she can’t accelerate her fist as quickly as Jane.  So…at best, her acceleration is slightly less than that of Jane (or any burly man, for that matter) and her mass is half that of Jane…so how is she supposed to beat him?  Sure, she’s super-skilled and that will let her get her hits in but the hits won’t even hurt a big guy.  He just needs to absorb some blows and take her out.

But, apparently fanboys have a weird fixation on bad-ass fighting pixies.  So I would advise you all to go out to your local S&M club and find a dominatrix there.  She’ll give you the treatment you’re looking for.  Enjoy.

Movie Griping #4: Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Wow…this movie is so ridiculous I don’t know where to start.  I think that it would be wise to only address internal inconsistencies and ignore the absurdities of the world the characters inhabit.  After all, movies are supposed to be escapist.  So it doesn’t matter if there’s no way in hell that there would exist a well-funded assassination team staffed entirely by runway models, right?

Those corporations are run by the dumbest people on the planet.  They really are.  The goal of each Smith’s company is to take him/her out because they don’t like that he/she is fraternizing with the enemy.  So they decide to tell the Smith’s most trusted colleague that he/she is a traitor and needs to be assassinated as quietly as possible.  Wait, they don’t do that?  They conspire with their competitor while contriving an expensive target and then hope that the married couple will kill each other instead of talk it over and work out their differences?  Holy shit!  That’s the kind of plan that makes a Bond villain brag to his friends, “You know, I’ve made some mistakes…put some lasers on some sharks…but at least I never did that!”

Both these companies seem highly funded and they seem to be trusted with important jobs.  But then, when it’s time to assassinate a competent target (the Smiths) they send their crack squad of Cobra Soldiers to get slaughtered in the way guaranteed to generate the most publicity possible.  I mean, I’m sure the Smiths are the best at their profession, but there have to be others employed by such well-funded companies who know how to work quickly and quietly…right?

I know it’s just a stupid action movie and that Jolie and Pitt are very pretty and that’s why the movie exists.  But it really does affect my ability to enjoy the movie if, as I’m watching it, I’m thinking, “All these characters are brain damaged.”  Why should I root for them to kill dozens of faceless soldiers when it should be a cat-and-mouse game between them and other elites?

Movie Griping #3: Batman Begins (2005)

Funny story with me and Batman Begins: When the movie came out, I was studying abroad in China.  But I really, really wanted to see it.  So I tried to talk with my language partner about where I could go to see it.  He said that people were very excited about the movie coming out and said where and when I could go to it.  So me and my friends got together on a Friday night and went to the movie theater with the big Batman poster out in front….and we walked into this movie.

It turns out that I didn’t effectively convey the idea that I wanted to see a specific movie, not just a movie in general (hey, Chinese is not my native language).  So finally I found out that Batman Begins was coming out in two weeks and it would be subtitled in Chinese (meaning English audio!).  Opening night, we all got together again and went to see the movie.  The movie that was dubbed into Chinese.

Yes, I was a student of Chinese language.  Key word: student.  I couldn’t understand Chinese!  I literally understood two lines of dialogue through the entire thing.  (“Where are you!?!?”  “Here!” and “This is his called card.”)  But I still enjoyed myself.

The rest of my semester there I spent my free time trying to procure a bootleg of an English version of the movie on DVD.  I finally got one…with the first 20 minutes missing.  So finally, when I got back to America I saw it in the dollar theater.

What’s the point of that story?  It’s that I feel like I have a relationship with this movie.  I tried very hard to see it, and I failed multiple times.  But I enjoyed every failure.  And I enjoyed watching the movie every time.  So this is a movie that’s close to my heart.

That being said…the ending.  Oh, the ending.  The first problem is a minor one but harping on minor points is literally the entire purpose of this blog.  When Batman shots his grappling gun at the train, he is able to hang from the train and be pulled through the air.  So, the train is holding Batman up.  But what's holding the train up.  Scaffolding!  Scaffolding that will get in the way of the grappling gun's tether and hit Batman over and over and over again until he's too punch drunk to even scare people away from his own mansion.

But that’s not the worst part.  The worst part is that it’s explicitly stated that if the train gets to Wayne Tower the entire system will blow…and the train gets to Wayne Tower!  There’s a pretty spectacular visual where we see the train skidding through the parking garage.  Did Batman disarm the microwave before this?  No.  By the reasoning within the movie, the system should have blown.  This is like seeing the bomb timer hit zero and then the bomb not detonating.  Surprise!  The hero’s efforts meant nothing!

Oh, and this is all aside from the fact that the gas was released in the narrows (read: where all the criminals and armed police are) and also all the way from the narrows to Wayne Tower.  So, even if the entire network didn’t blow, we’re talking about a Manhattan-sized-area where everyone is destroying themselves through fear.

So…that was a happy ending, right?

Movie Griping #1: The Fantastic Four (2005)

I find Chris Pine extremely watchable.  Sure, I'm a straight guy.  But between him and Ryan Reynolds...it's not that I would go gay for them.  But they're the two movie stars that, for me, have the greatest "I want to be him" effect.  According to the IMDB trivia for "The Fantastic Four" Pine ad-libbed most of his dialog, which definitely adds to that effect.  Who doesn't want to be a sexy, competent, suave, witty, charming pilot/extreme-sports hobbyist?

Now that I've explained the one thing that's likable about the movie, it's time to move on to the shit.

You can read reviews about how terrible Jessica Alba is at acting anywhere.  What I want to offer you here is a rigorous, one might even say "anal" analysis of exactly where suspension of disbelief needs to end.

So let's start with the space station.  There are several establishing shots that show the space station in orbit.  There is no rotating ring; therefore, there should be no gravity.*  All I ask for is one line of throwaway line of dialog: "Wow, isn't it great that we invented the graviton generator so that we're not all floating awkwardly!?"  But, no dice.  Obviously there is gravity there because filming in zero-G is extremely expensive.  But it's also expensive to make a body burst into CGI flames.  Who am I to question how the producers spent their money?  A customer, dammit, that's who.  Either shell out the extra money for zero-G, show that the space station has a rotating ring, or mention the artificial gravity.  It's not hard.

*Yes, I know there is gravity in space.  But there is the illusion of zero gravity.

But the biggest problem with this movie is the "cure".  In its (awkward, ineffective) attempts at establishing pathos the film shows Ben Grimm (The Thing) hating his new appearance and Reed, his friend, logically offers to try to reverse the process.  Fine, that makes perfect sense.  But then he actually succeeds.

Look, this is a science fiction movie.  I've suspended my disbelief.  I know what actually happens when someone gets exposed to cosmic rays (in a word: cancer) and I'm not going to gripe that they got superpowers instead.  Whatever.  All I ask for is internal consistency.  What that means is that I expect movies to follow their own rules.  So he builds a machine that can reverse the effects of the mutation.  Okay.  But then it turns out that this machine can also cause the mutation.  So, in what a competent movie would turn into a thrilling climax, Ben decides to turn back into The Thing to help his friends even if it means he'll be a social outcast.

But does it?  Think about it: this machine means that Ben can turn into and out of The Thing at will!  Why not hang out and be normal, and then when an emergency arises hop into the machine while shouting "Transform!"  like some '80s cartoon character?  We know that the process doesn't take long since that's exactly what he does at the end of the movie.

Of course, this brings us to the best part: the Fantastic Four now have a machine that can turn ANYONE into a superhero/villain.  Yep, heroes can be made.  Shouldn't every cop/military contractor on the planet be lining up to use that?  Isn't the development of that technology more important than any other thing in the film?

Before that machine was made, I saw the movie as Chris Pine's Escapist Fun Hour with intermissions of tedious pictures of Jessica Alba.  After that machine appeared, I gave up.  The writers had no respect for me or the material.  For shame.  For shame.